Dr. Susan Block's
Dr. Laura Diaries (continued)

September 16, 1998

Wherein the Claim to Prophesy
Gives Way to Psalm 38

"I’m just reiterating the 10 Commandments," she intoned Lordy, here it comes: The claim to prophesy! Well, not quite. Apparently, she’s learned to just stop short of calling herself a prophet these days. Rabbi Vogel must have said it was unseemly. Now she just insinuates that God speaks through her. "I’m not interpreting. I dusted them off and represented them."

Dr. L. has become an Orthodox Jew, a genuine stark raving fundamentalist. Baruch hashem. Little Lauraleh reads Torah every day, she squeaks proudly. Oy veyismere. Get me a glass of Manishevitz and a hot knish. Then a nice kosher cigar.  

Judaism is a great liberal religion, and I’m proud to have grown up in the thick of it, amidst Maimonides, Malls and Matzoh Balls. But like Islam, Christianity or just about any organized religion, Judaism’s ultra-orthodox wing is almost totally, certifiably nuts.

My Star of David & Snake Eve

Like their fundamentalist brethren among the Christians, very Orthodox Jews insist upon a literal interpretation of the Bible (though they stick to the Old Testament) and hundreds upon thousands of rules that must be followed, or else. The only positive distinction I can make between Jewish fundamentalists and their Christian and Moslem counterparts is that they’re not out to convert anybody (except nonOrthodox Jews), making them a bit less militant, but no less deranged.  

Dr. Laura talks more like a Christian fundamentalist than an Orthodox Jew (even Orthodox Jews say premarital sex is okay under certain circumstances). But ethnically speaking, she’s as Jewish as Woody Allen. "Oy, Lauraleh," I lamented at the TV, trying not to holler, "do you realize that if your friends in the Christian Right ever get in control of this country, it’s only a matter of time before they stick your skinny little Jewish ass in a camp, and I don’t mean the summer kind."  

Then, Larry leaned in, stretching his suspenders almost to the point of popping, and inquired gently, as if he were asking about a death in the family, if Dr. Laura felt ashamed that Monica Lewinsky is Jewish. She paused, then whispered "yes" so sorrowfully, I couldn’t help but holler, "I feel ashamed that Dr. Laura is Jewish! I’d like to rip that Star of David off your scrawny little neck!"  

Of course, I was just fantasizing; I would never indulge in physical violence or stealing. I’m a real stickler for certain Commandments. 

But speaking of David (the man behind the Star), I wonder, Dr. Laura, ye who judge our Sex President with such pitiless disdain…Do you know about King David, the greatest, most heroic and most beloved of all the kings in that Bible you read every day? Step down off your Pulpit of Poison for just a moment, my Child, and listen to the Story of David, which shares some interesting parallels with our own King--er, President Bill.  

Christians consider King David to be the great great great grandfather of Jesus. Jews honor him for many reasons, beginning with his origin as a humble shepherd. He was from Bethlehem, a sort of biblical Hope, Arkansas, a hick town with spiritual vibes. He was "ruddy and comely in appearance." (1 Samuel 17:42) , "handsome with beautiful eyes" (1 Samuel 16:12). When he was still quite young, he left his sheep in the hills and went down to the Valley of Elah, and defeated the giant Goliath, champion of the Philistines, with nothing but his wit, courage and a slingshot. He instantly ascended to great political heights, favored by God and popular with the people of Israel. Of course, he wasn’t so popular with Saul, the current Hebrew king, who, in his grand glumness, has always reminded me of Richard Nixon. In fact, Saul tried to kill David several times, but was thwarted by his own son Jonathan who was David’s best friend and "loved him as his own soul" (1 Samuel 18:1), leading certain Bible scholars to believe that David was bisexual.  

He certainly liked the ladies, and whether it was his power or his "beautiful eyes," they liked him too. When he eventually became king, reigning over Israel in a time of great prosperity, he had already taken on several wives and concubines, and went on to build up a huge harem only surpassed by that of his son Solomon. Maybe the moral of this story is that presidents should have harems. Actually, I’m surprised that Utah Senator Orrin Hatch hasn’t suggested polygamy as a solution to Clinton’s adultery, since that’s what they do in his state. In any case, the "moral" is a little more "complex" than that. 

Like many a lady’s man, King David was a musician. No, he didn’t play sax. But he did stroke a mean harp. He is said to have composed the Psalms, arguably the most inspirational book of the Bible. President Bill is probably studying Psalm 38 these days:  

O Lord, rebuke me not in thy anger, nor chasten me in thy wrath! 

One of these enemies was Saul’s bitter daughter Michal, the Lucianne Goldberg of old Jerusalem. When Michal saw David "leaping and dancing before the Lord," (2 Samuel 6:16), she mocked him, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself before the eyes of his servants’ maids, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!" (2 Samuel 6:20). Apparently, King David was quite the exhibitionist, also said to be part of the sexual style of President Bill’s. As in Bill’s case, David’s joyous sexual self-expression drove his jealous, uptight enemies insane. 

How does King David reply to Michal? He asserts his Royal Right to Party: "It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father, and above all his house, as Prince over Israel, the people of the Lord--and I will make merry before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." (2 Samuel 6:21-22).  

Apparently, God favored exhibitionism, at least in this case: Michal was cursed with barrenness from that day forward, and David kept on dancing and charming maidens. 

King David was what some people today would call a sexaholic. His leaping libido makes Clinton look restrained. The Prophet Laura would surely have called for the impeachment of King David, judging him as "evil," with "repetitive bad behavior and no real repentance." Since she wasn’t around, he’s gone down in history as the noblest of kings, his star a symbol of spirituality and heroism. 

Of course, King David didn’t just leap and love. He did some terrible things to satisfy his lust. Evil, even. We’re not talking small stuff here like dipping his cigar in his paramour’s well. We’re talking arranged murder of an inconvenient husband. As the Bible says, "he saw from the roof, a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful." (2 Samuel 11:2). David sent for this beauty, Bathsheeba, "wife of Uriah the Hittite," and "lay with her." (2 Samuel 11:3). When he heard Bathsheba was pregnant, he sent Uriah into the frontlines of battle where he knew he’d be killed. Now that’s an abuse of power.  

And, of course, God was pretty displeased with this obviously bad behavior, and made David suffer in ways big and small, harassed by enemies such as he refers to in Psalm 38 and attacked by his own sons. But the King survived, ruling 40 years, not just for his own sake, but for the sake of the people of Israel who loved him and prospered under his rule. Despite all the insurrections, David stayed King, serving God and Israel, until he was a very old man, when his final attempt to revive his health was to lie with a beautiful maiden. Upon his death, Solomon, David’s son by Bathsheeba, became another of the greatest kings of Israel, renown for his wisdom and his wives; he had about 1000 of them. 

So, there it is, the story of a Biblical Bill Clinton, King David, sinner, psalmster and statesman. An ancient Hebrew King with a pop star’s popularity, beloved by God and lusty as a satyr. Read your Bible, little Lauraleh, learn the passion-soaked history of that glittery Star of David that encircles your throat so piously. Learn that sex is a powerful, complex force in everyone’s life, as it is in your own. Learn that political leaders—even the great ones--are usually sexually prolific, and all of them are sexually flawed.  

Learn compassion, Lauraleh. Learn love. Before it’s too late. Before the Block Curse consumes you, halo and all. 

Speaking of which, back to that other King, Larry. When he asked you what you do after you know you’ve hurt someone, you said "you immediately say I’m sorry, and you give them a hug." 

I’ll forego the embrace, Dr. L., but I’m still waiting for my apology. It’s been two years now. 

And don’t worry your fluffy little head; I don’t care if it’s genuine contrition, a political maneuver, an attempt at good manners, or just something Rabbi Vogel tells you will get you in good with God.  

Though I would like you down on your knees.