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M
A X I M Ménage-à-Trois
Kim, Theron & Shelly in "The
Womb Room"
VIDEO PHOTO: DR. SUZY
Spanish Maxim "Threesomes" Interview with Dr. Susan Block
Click
Here to See the Article in Spanish Maxim
(en
español)
SPANISH MAXIM EDITOR JUAN MANUEL ROTOLO: A lot of people say that threesomes are the sexual fantasy of the new millennium (mainly because they seem to be more and more accepted, it doesn't seem to be that much of a taboo anymore, and people are getting more and more into it, and actually accepting the fact that they'd like to try it. "Sort of like what happened with anal sex in the 80s", they say). Do you agree or disagree? Why?
DR. SUSAN BLOCK: Ah yes, the ménage-à-trois is no longer just for bohemian swingers wintering in Provence. The ménage-à-trois is now mainstream. Three's Company, isn't it? Conservatives may control the political scenes these days, but the fact is that more and more middle class, middle of the road couples are opening up their relationships to sharing sexual experiences with other people than ever before. Even the term "swinger" is getting back in the swing of things, accepted as a valid, vibrant tributary to the mainstream of society. And even if most couples won't dare to go "all the way" with in-the-flesh threesome action, many enjoy, struggle with and share the fantasy.
Of course, the Original Threesome was Adam and Eve and the Snake. Threesomes can be dangerous...
MAXIM: Why have threesomes become so popular?
DR. SUZY: Monogamy has never been easy to maintain. Studies show that after a few years of wedded passion, the excitement of being together often erodes into a dull or non-existent sex life. This may well account for the 50% of first and 65% of second marriages that end in divorce. The bottom line is that monogamy is not natural. Monogamy can easily become monotony, even if two people adore each other. The natural human desire is for multiple partners. And yet monogamy, the committed "happy couple," is the preferred social relationship in modern society. Throughout history, most couples have resolved this discrepancy simply by cheating on each other. Over 75% of still-married folks admit to having extra-marital affairs.
Couples that swing or go the route of the ménage are trying to satisfy their natural need for sexual variety by having sex with other people right in front of each other. Plus there's great excitement in watching someone you love being pleasured by someone you find attractive, in watching your partner being the object of desire of another. There's jealousy too, of course. There are almost always some feelings of jealousy. But if you can keep the jealousy "under control," it just adds to the excitement.
MAXIM: What do people look for in a threesome?
DR. SUZY: Finding the perfect third is as challenging as finding the perfect mate. Just as there are two basic reasons for two people to have sex, 1) for lust and 2) for love (though sometimes the two coincide), there are two types of third partners for threesomes: 1) the kind you get together with for a night of wild fantasy passion, and 2) the kind you stay friends and lovers with over time, sharing many sexual and social experiences.
If you're going for brief lust, best to find someone new and neutral. It's usually a better idea to have a wild night with a stranger, as opposed to a friend with all that "baggage." Some couples say that what they need is a "human sex toy" to spice up their humdrum sex life. Which is fine, except that the "human" element means their "sex toy" may not "work" as advertised... A third partner might also get jealous, or might try to "steal" either you or your girlfriend away from the other. Hot sexual chemistry and respect for one another's boundaries are equally important.
Finding a longtime threesome partner is tricky in a whole different way. Obviously, longtime members of a ménage-à-trois are much more emotionally involved with each other. Sex is an expression of those emotions, whether it's done in twos, leaving one out or just watching, or done all together.
Kim,
Theron & Shelly in "The
Womb Room"
VIDEO PHOTO: DR. SUZY
MAXIM: Since our article will focus exclusively on the one guy/two girls combo, what advice can you give our male readers in order for them to please both women as much as possible? How can his endurance be improved?
DR. SUZY: It's best if the women are bisexual and turned on by each other as well as you. Then everybody can please everybody, and jealousy is less likely. If you want to improve your sexual endurance, take your vitamins, get plenty of rest before the big night and develop personal orgasm-control (which is really the subject of another article) via PC muscle exercises and other endurance-building techniques. And remember, if at first (what with all the excitement), you come too fast, you can always come again--especially with two hot chicks around!
MAXIM: For both men and women: How should a man go about proposing a threesome to a woman? What are some of the things, in your experience, that help an initially unwilling woman to actually get into it? What are the steps to convince a hesitant female to actually try a threesome? Tell us some do's and don'ts in proposing a threesome.
DR. SUZY: These days, all kinds of threesomes are popular: two girls and one guy or two guys and one girl. But since Maxim only wants to focus on the one-guy-two-gals combo, then, if you're the guy, I'd say your girlfriend had better be bisexual, or at least, bi-curious. Either that, or you have to buy her an extremely expensive piece of jewelry.
If she's bi-curious or at least, open-minded, you could start by telling her--as you're having sex or perhaps over drinks--how you just dreamt of seeing another woman going down on her. If she looks intrigued, tell her you keep imagining how beautiful she'd look with another woman. If you see her casually kissing, embracing or dancing with one of her girlfriends, later, you could tell her that that really turned you on. Find a way to make this proposition flattering to her, exciting for her. If you can't do that, if the threesome idea is really just a way for you to have two women vying for your hot bod, engaging in tongue wars over your hard cock, well, then there's always the jewelry! Seriously, there's nothing wrong with asking your girlfriend to do you a sexual favor, as long as she's not disgusted by it, in exchange for some favor that you do her.
Even if your lady is not bisexual (though I believe that we're all at least a little bit bi), she may want to have a threesome just to do something wild, or just for you. Let her know that you want to share this adventure with her, that you know that other guys cheat on their girlfriends, and you would never do that (would you?).
If she's unwilling, hesitant or utterly turned off by the idea, gently find out why. Don't accuse her of being a prude. That's a great way to get her to shut the door on the notion completely. Find out why it bothers her. Is it because she's jealous? Is it because she's afraid of her own bisexuality? Is it because she feels that if she does this, you'll enjoy it, but you won't "respect" her later? Is it because she's worried about what other people might think? Is it because she's got a moral or religious problem with the idea of threesomes? Is it because she had a bad experience with threesomes in her past? Whatever her concerns, address them with sensitivity and respect. It may be difficult to talk about these things, but if she has a problem with it, it's essential. Picking up a cute chick at a bar and bringing her home for a surprise threesome is a recipe for relationship disaster.
MAXIM: It seems that, in a threesome, there's always one who gets a little left out, or kinda put aside a little bit... When does this become a problem? What would be some "etiquette" rules in a threesome? If a couple and a guest are having a threesome, what are the things that the male should/shouldn't do in order for his girlfriend/wife not to feel left out, or feel like the least favorite?
DR. SUZY: Three's Company. But also, Three's a Crowd. If two people in a threesome are staring into each other's eyes, what's the third to do, besides pout and cause trouble?
That's why, if you're considering a threesome, it's a good idea to lay out some ground rules. Like, if one of you is feeling uncomfortable and wants to stop at any point, you should establish a signal for each other--verbal and/or physical--and you should respect that signal and stop, even if you're "really into it." It's not such a bad idea to keep one eye on the clock in these situations. If you notice that you are spending an awful lot of sex time with your guest, better turn your attention back to your girlfriend, before she gives you the "I've had enough" signal and slams the door.
Ground rules can include certain sexual activities that would be okay to partake in, and certain ones that are not okay. With some couples, for example, oral sex is okay, but not sexual intercourse. With others, sexual intercourse is fine, but no kissing. You may want to start by taking a "half-way measure," such as calling a phone sex service like ours here at the Institute, and having a threesome phone sex fantasy with one of our phone sex therapists while the two of you make love together. Or go to a strip club and encourage your girlfriend to enjoy a lap dance.
Sometimes, the rule is that the ladies can play with each other, and the guy has to just watch. If this is the rule that's set for you, don't mope; go along with it like a gentleman, and you just might be invited to join in! Whatever you do, do not make fun of your girlfriend. Watch out for your own insecurities, as well as hers.The underlying idea is to treat your regular partner with love and sensitivity and treat your "guest" partner with respect and open-mindedness.
Having a threesome--especially of the one-night-only variety--is more like hosting a party than just going on a date. Usually, it's the responsibility of the person who arranges the threesome to play "host" and make sure that everybody has a good time.
MAXIM: There are those who say that threesomes can be a benefit to one's sexual life. We've all heard stories from people who say that bringing a third party in has saved their relationships. On the other hand, there are those who say they are not a very healthy thing. How can a threesome improve someone's sexual life? On the other hand, how could it ruin someone's sexual life?
DR. SUZY: You won't hear this on Dr. Phil, but a threesome can save your relationship, from the inevitable monotony of monogamy. No matter how much you adore each other, most people have natural cravings for sexual variety, and after a few months, or a few years, those desires tend to assert themselves, despite our "best" intentions. Threesomes satisfy these needs without the lies and betrayal of extra-marital affairs. Threesomes can also answer a deep longing we humans have for a group orgiastic experience, and they can help us to express our bisexual desires.
But threesomes are not for everybody. A threesome won't turn a bad relationship into a good one. In fact, if your relationship is fairly weak (not just a little dull sexually, but really screwed up), a threesome can destroy it completely in less time than it takes say ménage-à-trois! But if your relationship is already strong, and if the two of you have powerful cravings for adventure, open minds and sex drives like bunnies, it can be the ultimate extracurricular activity.
Click
Here to See the Article in Spanish Maxim
(en
español)
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