So, goaded by his drinking buddies, King Ahasuerus kicks Vashti, the Mother of All
Party-Poopers, out of the palace. Some interpretations say she's executed which,
I always thought, was a rather drastic punishment for refusal to strip at a
drunken party, and not just because I'm against capital punishment. But I must admit I never had much sympathy for Vashti, a sex-phobic prude with no zest for exhibitionism, one of my favorite fetishes. In Hebrew School Purimspiels, Vashti is usually played as a royal bitch.
Now, King Ahasuerus needs a new queen. Naturally,
being a Biblical King, he wants a virgin. They were into that then - the virgin
fetish. A lot of guys are still into the virgin fetish, until they have to deal
with a real virgin. My advice to Virgin Fetishists of all Faiths and Creeds:
Get a nice experienced lover who likes to roleplay she's a virgin, and steer clear of actual jailbait. But, Ahasuerus doesn't have me or anyone else as a sex therapist (they didn't have sex therapists back then either), and he wants a virgin. So he holds a Greater Persian Beauty Contest where all the hottest young female virgins in his kingdom compete to be queen.
Can you picture it? Rows and rows of Biblical babes, all and panting to be picked...
I remember panting to be picked
in my Hebrew School Queen Esther Contest, when I was a kid (and also, coincidentally,
a virgin). Thanks to my Mom's artistic costume-making talents and my already bottomless
need for acclaim and bling, I won. Playing Esther in our Hebrew School play was the
height of my prepubescent exhibitionism. Too bad the kid playing Ahasuerus was
two years younger and three inches shorter than me. Well, that did make him
easier to push around, which is, eventually, what Esther does...
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the
Bible, where we now meet Mordecai the Jew, who enters his beautiful teenage
cousin Esther into Ahasuerus' virgin contest. Is Old Mordecai pimping his pretty young cuz? In a way, yes. Mordecai is the Original Righteous Pimp. Pimping to the max, he encourages Esther to bat her lovely virgin eyes, but keep a lid on her religion. See, back then in Ahaseurus' kingdom, it wasn't too cool to be Jewish. It's never totally cool to be Jewish; non-Jews are always suspicious of Jews. Actually, everybody's suspicious of somebody who doesn't adhere to whatever mythology that they believe is The Truth. It's a crazy, suspicious, superstitious, intolerant, hotheaded, racist, violent world we live in, especially nowadays.
And that's one reason I'm telling this story.
Esther's Jewish, but she's no JAP. She's
actually pretty down-to-earth. And she's hot, "comely" in Bible talk, and the
king gets extremely horny just looking at her. He gives her a prime position
in the royal harem, where she's "purified," that is, bathed and beautified
with ointments and perfumes for 180 days. Yes indeed, six months of supreme beautification!
When it came to extensive spa treatments, those ancient Persians out-Japped
the JAPs. Most of this beautifying was done by eunuchs, that is,
Biblical post-op transsexuals. Essentially, these are guys who have been literally
castrated for one reason or another. Their main job was to take care of the
harem girls without impregnating them, which was the sole prerogative of the
king. Aside from the humiliation factor, and the excruciating pain of having
your penis and/or testicles removed (nonconsensually, for the most part), it
wasn't such a bad little institution as Biblical institutions go, at least for
the harem ladies, each of whom got her own human safe sex toy, her personal eunuch.
I would also imagine that Esther received some
lessons in lovemaking during her six-month intensive, perhaps from some of the older, more experienced ladies of the harem, preparing her for that
special moment when, after all those treatments and instructions, she "goes
in unto" the king. That's the Bible's way of saying they have sex. Wherupon
she gives him the best head he's ever had. Just kidding; the Bible doesn't
say she gives him head; I'm doing a little interpretative extrapolation here.
Ahasuerus is clearly a demanding hedonist, and he falls madly in love with Esther
after just one night, so I figure it must have been a hot night.
Ahasuerus crowns Esther queen, and he holds
another big bacchanalian bash. The Bible's pretty coy about exactly what Esther
does there, but I would imagine that, at some point, she strips down to her
crown. After all, that's the king's fetish, and Vashti's downfall.. I can just
see Esther bellydancing naked on a pedestal above crowds of besotted princes
drooling at her comeliness. Go Esther! Go Grrl! But
make no mistake: Esther's go go, but she's no bimbo...She's about to get into
some high stakes political action.
See, all this time, Esther's Pimpin' Cuz Mordecai has been hanging around outside the harem. While trolling The Street, he overhears a couple of disgruntled eunuchs plotting to kill the king. Mordecai tells Esther who tells Ahasuerus who has the eunuchs executed (they sure didn't have
a lawyer). Then he has his royal scribe enter the event into his Royal Diary.
Then, the king promotes one of his princes,
Haman the Agagite to be his right-hand man. All the people of Shushan, the capital
of Ahasuerus' kingdom, bow down to Haman. The only exception, standing out like a sore thumb because he's hanging around the palace so much, is Mordecai who's Jewish and doesn't bow down to anybody except "God," and maybe his accountant, but certainly not this Haman character. Haman's mad. He vows to kill not just Mordecai, but all the Jews, and all their accountants! And, since Haman is now the king's pet, he uses Ahasuerus' royal seal to issue an edict that all princes in all provinces must prepare "to destroy, to slay, to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one day, the 13th day of Adar, and to plunder their goods." His reason? His own wounded pride, of course. But with the king, he plays the race card, saying "these people are different...so let them be destroyed." Haman picks the
day by choosing lots, also called "Purim" - thus the name of the holiday. But the 8-letter word is "genocide". Oh, I know,
this story isn't so sexy anymore. Well, life isn't just a barrel of orgasms...
So, Mordecai stages a dramatic protest outside the harem. He puts on "sackcloth and ashes" and roams by Esther's window wailing, "Oy gevalt! They're gonna kill us! Worse, they're gonna clean out our bank accounts!" One of Esther's eunuchs comes out to see what the racket's about. Mordecai gives him/her the bad news, and says to tell Esther that it's up to her to change the king's mind.
Esther is not at all happy to get her new assignment. Actually, she's scared to death. Because even though they didn't have lawyers then, they did have laws. And according to the law, anyone who approaches the king without being invited is executed on the spot, unless the king holds
out his golden sceptor. Now, even though Esther's the queen, she's fairly new
on the job, and the King hadn't invited her in to see him. So according to law,
she could be killed - instantly. Considering what happened to Vashti, this wasn't
just paranoia.
But Cuz don't want to hear from no laws. He reminds Esther, "The lives of all Jews have been condemned. You might think that after all that beautifying, you're assimilated and can pass for Persian, but Haman's henchmen would not agree. Besides, perhaps you were blessed with your "comeliness" for a nobler
purpose than just keeping a horny King happy and getting your feet rubbed by
eunuchs." Talk about inflicting Jewish guilt; Pimpin' Cousin Mordecai does a number on our Esther. But guilt like that can do some good. Guilt over sex is usually dumb
guilt. Guilt over not saving people's lives when you have an opportunity is
generally good guilt...
So, shivering in her sandals, Esther goes to
see Ahasuerus where he holds court. Upon spying her there without an invitation,
the guards grab her and start to take her away for execution. But the king notices
it's his favorite wife, his comely Esther, the one who not only makes him hot, but helped him avoid assassination. And, just in time, he holds out "his
golden sceptor" and saves her life. Now, you might think I've got a "dirty" mind (and you might be right), but I've always considered this a very erotic,
phallic image: the king saving Esther by holding out his long, hard sceptor
for her. Now, don't get too excited; Esther
doesn't deep-throat the thing. But the Bible does say, rather suggestively,
that she "touches the tip of his scepter," perhaps looking up at him adoringly. And of course, the king gets very excited.
He falls for Esther all over again. He just loves the way she touches the tip of his long, hard, powerful scepter.
Like many desperately horny powerful men who will do anything for certain women, Ahasuerus
proclaims that he'll give Esther whatever she wants. Pay dirt! Our teenage beauty queen seems to have her potentate wrapped around her little finger.
But Esther is cool. She's cunning. She doesn't
spring the big request right away. She doesn't even tell him her problem. She knows even a sex maniac like her husband can't be pushed beyond his power-sharing comfort zone, or the spell of seduction is broken. And she understands that powerful men don't want to hear about a woman's problems, not until they're hopelessly enmeshed in her erotic web. So, she invites the king and Haman to a private dinner. Ahasuerus is really excited now; besides being a horndog, he's also a foodie. He calls for Haman, who appears instantly, puffing with pride that he received an invitation to dine with the king and his favorite wife. Esther
entertains like a great geisha, plying her king and his Prince with wine, aphrodisiacs, sweetmeats
and erotic treats. Yes, my interpretation of "private entertaining" is that Esther serves up her own delicious body as well as the food.
When the king is pleasantly drunk, well-fed, and well-shtupped, he asks Esther
again: What does she want? He'll do anything! But Esther isn't ready yet. doesn't tell him what
she wants. She teases him. She plays her potentate like an instrument. She slows him down to make him come around. And she
coyly asks him and Haman to return the next night for another, even more
elaborate and decadent dinner party. Ahasuerus departs
in a state of erotic agitation. He's got royal blue balls. He's bursting with
the need to please his intoxicating new queen, and riddled with anxiety, not knowing
what she wants.
Meanwhile, on his way home, Haman sees
Pimpin' Mordecai who still won't bow down to his Princely Self. This makes Haman so mad
that he can't wait until the 13th of Adar to kill the Jew. He builds a gallows
right in his own front yard, and he gets up early the next morning to see about
obtaining Ahasuerus' okay to hang Mordecai that day. Of course, he has no idea
that Mordecai is Queen Esther's cousin. He doesn't even know that the king's
wife is Jewish.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Ahasuerus, still
in a tizzy over Esther's teasing, can't sleep. He can't turn on the TV (they
had plenty of eunuchs back then, but no TV's). So he has one of his eunuchs
read to him from his Royal Diary. Remember when the king made the entry about
Mordecai turning in those other eunuchs and saving his life? Well, that's the
entry he hears, and he decides he's got to honor this Mordecai fellow in some
way. At this point, Haman strides into the palace, hell-bent on getting Ahasuerus
to let him execute the Jew NOW. But Ahasuerus, being king, speaks first: "What
shall be done to the man whom the king delights to honor?" Haman stops mid-stride, assuming Ahasuerus must be talking about him and suggests that "such a man" be given the king's robes to wear and the king's horse to ride
while one of the king's princes rides before him through town proclaiming his
honor to all. Ahasuerus loves the idea, and commands
Haman to do just that...for Mordecai the Jew. Haman is in as much shock and
pain as a freshly castrated eunuch! He's insulted. He's humiliated. But he obeys; he has to, he's a company man. Yet he's seething and more determined than ever to destroy Mordecai and all the Jews and all their chintzy Jewish accountants...
That night, Esther throws the dinner party of
her life, with more wine and sex and sweetmeats, plus, I would imagine, a few of her harem sisters for spice. Her artful seduction has her king down on
his royal knees again, like a submissive CEO with his Mistress-Domme, begging
her to tell him what she wants. "Please, please, Esther, my Queen, my Goddess, what do you want? Whatever you want, I will give it to you." But she's a cool
mistress, that Esther...
I remember the night I first told the Story
of Esther to Max. I was telling it in bed, in an even sexier way than I'm telling
it now. And at this point, with the king down on his knees begging Esther to
tell him what she wants, Max got down on his knees begging me to let
him go down on me. I was on my period at the time, but I ain't no Vashti, and
neither Biblical prohibition nor bodily squeamishness stopped my Max. He dove
for it, smearing his face with the blood of my affliction and the juice of my
affection... I tried to continue my Bible-reading: "Okay... Lessee... the king...
mmm... that feels good... the king asks Esther what she wants...oooh...that's
soo nice...she wants...oh Goooddd...she wants him to suck her clit--"
"No," Max said, "that's not in in the Bible."
"True...But something tells me the king is not
giving Esther head while she tells him what she wants."
"I don't know about that. She's a powerful sexual
woman. She could tell a man to do anything anytime." Then
he went back to licking me, slowly, sensually, then passionately. I felt a conflict
of Biblical proportions raging in my loins, the armies of menstrual pain battling
the forces of sexual pleasure for control of the temple, my body. It was close,
but pleasure overtook pain, and I relaxed into Max's mouth.
I picked up the Bible in an erotic trance. No
one was there but the two of us, yet I felt as if the king's great feast was
going on all around us. All the princes were watching as I lay in the royal
bed, two eunuchs holding my legs apart for my hungry king to devour me and my
sacred sacrificial blood. All the princes stroked their scepters, as I writhed
and recited the story:
"What is your petition, Queen Esther?" begs
the king, "It shall be granted you. What is your request? Even to the half of
my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled."
At this point, when Esther knows she's got her king
by his royal kishkas - when she knows he'd buy out Bloomingdale's for her, if there
had been a Persian Bloomie's - our gal lays her cards on the table: "I ask
for my life," she says, "and the life of my people," Simple and
straightforward. No more games. After all that teasing, she zeros in for the win...
And the king doesn't miss a beat. "Consider
it done, Esther my love." He may be a drunk, but he's not a skunk. So, just like that: Genocide reversed... Such is the power of a sexual woman.
But the story continues. Now that she's stated her desire, and he's granted her request, the king gets curious. WHO would destroy his Esther and her "people," he demands
to know. Uh oh...Haman's in deep doodoo now.
Slowly, dramatically, Esther points to Haman.
The king's in shock; Haman's his main man. He steps out onto the veranda for some air. Haman is, of course, totally freaked. He gets down on his knees to beg forgiveness from Esther. What a woman,
that Esther, royal goyim on their knees before her, one after the other. Haman's
literally falling all over Esther's lap when the king walks back in and assumes
hanky-panky. "Will he even assault the queen in my presence?" he bellows. And
within moments - no lawyers, no trial, no questions - Haman the Aggravating Agagite,
is taken away by eunuchs who execute him on the very gallows he prepared for
Mordecai. Then the King gives Haman's property to
Esther, and he makes Mordecai his new main man. And, as he promised, he revokes the Jewish genocide edict, and the 13th day of Adar becomes a day of "gladness, feasting and holiday-making,"
eating hamantaschen (fruit-filled tarts shaped like Haman's three-corner hat), and getting royally drunk Ahaseurus-style. This is the joyous, sexy holiday of Purim.
But the story isn't quite over, and it's grand finale is, by no means, a barrel of orgasms. Though it pains me to say it about a tale that is, for the most part, such an inspiration, I must admit there is a very dark side to Purim's *happy ending.* That is, after the king revokes the genocide edict, Mordecai becomes, to some degree, what Haman used to be, and our beloved Esther helps him. They get Ahaseurus to give his royal permission for gangs of Jewish swordsmen to kill thousands of their "enemies," including Haman's 10 sons. Of course,
according to the Bible, this orgy of bloody revenge is all part of the "gladness,
feasting and holiday-making," and some interpretations say it's done in self-defense. But for a peacenik like me who so appreciates
Esther's ability to seduce her king away from killing her peeps, it makes me
want to toss my hamantashen and cry in my wine. Must the oppressed become the oppressor? Must the cycle of violence go on and on and on?
Not that I'm surprised. The
Biblical and real histories of Judaism, like its offspring Christianity and
Islam, are covered with the dead victims of God-loving, righteous, racist mass murder. Check it out, it's all right there in your Bible.
And so, much as I adore the character of Esther,
the teenage beauty queen who uses her powers of seduction to save her people
from genocide, and her Pimpin' Cousin Mordecai, they both disappoint me in the end with their fall into vicious bloodthirsty revenge. Thus I'm not devout about Purim or any other religious holiday. I just want to offer up my rather personal, exotic, erotic interpretation of Esther's Story, and I hope that it inspires you to find ways to use your own sexual power to create peace in your life and our world. I also hope it warns you against taking yourself (Haman) or any religion (Mordecai) so seriously that it leads you into killing other human beings who don't bow down to you or your God. But please don't let me get grandiose about a story, even a sexy Bible story. I
just hope you enjoyed it. L'chaim!
You can read this same story - with pictures!
- right
here. But this is the post where you can post comments, so post away...
Shalom...Salaam...Peace...
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