of boy toys, including Porno Dan who shows that he's The Man by accepting Dr. Suzy's challenge, stripping down to his birthday suit in front of a herd of paparazzi, a couple hundred voyeurs and a bedful of wild Bacchae drunk on Chinese Aphrodisiacs, Agavero Tequila Liqueur, various kinds of champagne and Nude Beer. Then Bethany gamely sucks up Dan's manhood and is rewarded with a voluble spray of creamin semen on her bounteous boobage. What to do with the mess? Sissy Maid to the rescue! Ever the clean freak, she licks up every sperm off Bethany's sweet breasts.. In the midst of the madness comes more madness in the form of FreekBALL and the Porn Klown Posse, honking their horns and offering their buns up for spankings (Itcher Birtday!). Then a caller named Jackie calls in to talk about her vibrator addiction, inspiring Brittany to don Dr. Suzy's strap-on for which the naughty and exquisite Evil Pony Girl offers up her whinnying hiney. Then comes The Over-the-Top Moment of the Show (there's always at least one): Brittany sensuously inserts the Condomania condom-covered strap-on into EPG's eager anus, rides her for a minute or two, and then, well, let's just say the dildo goes in vanilla and comes out chocolate. Yikes! Even Sissy won't lick it up. We see a lot of body fluids here at the Speakeasy, but this puts even Dr. Suzy into a mild state of shock. So, the shock troops move into action. Kim produces a towel, and Mistress Genevieve and Brittany clean up that mess like trained nurses, as EPG's eyes roll and her body writhes in coltish crazed ecstasy, as women shriek and men faint and the band plays on. Speaking of bands, that's next. A surprise band strikes up in the art gallery, and Dr. Suzy's fellow Yale alum Michael Blum (Yale School of Management, '95 MBA) morphs into Michael Morris, Rock God, and belts out "Break on Through" and "Suzy Q" as he tosses the B-Day Gal over his shoulder and around his back like a Beanie Baby without missing a beat. Even the other Elis (a contingent from Sex Week at Yale joins the festivities with Playboy's Juli Ashton) are impressed. Now it's time for Dr. Suzy's b-day spanking (finally!), and Mistress Cyan gives it to her with an expertly applied leather flogger and perfectly manicured nails. "It's better than a trip to the spa!" declares the Love Doctor, endorphins rising. More dance floor antics ensue with dirty dancing Daniel and Dr. Suzy Q, Crystal and Mistress Alexandria singing "Beautiful Girls" as topless Kim dances with EPG, Nymph Lisa Ann Davis dances with Mr. Star Wars, Mistress Genevieve's gamine Girl Toy Lindsey gives Dr. Suzy a lap dance, Master Dave ties up JJ (who gets the award for giving Dr. Suzy the cutest b-day present: a teddy bear in floppy hat and feather boa singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"), all with yards of blue chocolate strawberry cake and several dozen perfect red roses. DJ Simeon picks up the beat, as Butterfly Jones suck cock-shaped mints, Big D cavorts with another blonde babe who calls herself Super Yummy Goddess, and Mistress Genevieve and Lindsey lick, suck and hump each other like two wild Bacchae marooned on the Isle of Lipstick Lesbos. Suddenly, Peter, a distinguished tuxedoed Brit, steps up to an imaginary podium and delivers an eloquent expression of thanks for Dr. Suzy and the Bonobo Gang's uniquely gracious hospitality. Then he confesses to the Love Doctor that he really longs to be spanked (like most Brits), whereupon Dr. Suzy orders him to drop his tuxedo trousers and get down on all fours, which he does instantly, revealing the longest set of balls that the Bonobo Gang has ever seen. Not that we're experts in testicular length, but these were some dangler-doozies. Dr. Suzy gets the Peter Spankathon going, soon joined by Mistress G and her vivacious colleague Mistress Anna Valentina of Shadow Lane who proceeds to spank and paddle Peter's British bottom with remarkable artistry and passion. Basking in the continuous bacchanalian display, Dr. Suzy lounges out on the bed with Snake Eve and a Chinese beauty also named Eve, her jovial German husband, and the one and only Alan Zorthian, son of the late great Colonel Jirayr H. Zorthian (Yale '36), also known as Zorbacchus, whose magnificent masterpiece artworks hang all around us in the Gallery and the Womb Room, mirroring our bacchanalian birthday revelry in their classical erotic splendor. O Great Zorbacchus, Thank You For Your Art! O Great Bacchus, Thank You For This Night of Innocent Pleasures (and the fact that no one got hurt despite the out-of-control abandon of the evening). Thank You For Our Happy Horny Hallowed Birthday... We are all Children of Sex. Hallelujah. With all due respect to the Virgin Mother: Most mothers are not virgins. We are all born of sperm and egg coitus. Sex is what brings us into the world. And sex is what motivates us to stick around for a while. Praise the Lord and the Lady! Praise be to the Power and Glory of SEX! It keeps ya young.