Dr. Susan Block's
Dr. Laura Diaries (continued)

September 6, 1996

Wherein I Advise Dr. Laura to Get Her Panties Out of Their Knot,
Act like a Mensch and Apologize

Having licked my wounds from Dr. Laura's tacky public "bashing," I wrote and faxed her following letter today:

Dear Dr. Schlessinger,

I couldn't help but notice your letter to New Times beneath mine in the September 5-11 issue. After all, we'd both been insulted and misrepresented by the same writer in the same paper in the same article ("Good Vibrations," Steve Lowery, August 22).

You chastise Mr. Lowery for using his "powerful freedom" to say you "bash and belittle women every day," defending yourself by citing your "numerous awards." Yet, in that same paragraph, you quite freely and capriciously bash and belittle me, calling me a "pseudo-professional ‘porn queen'" (What, by the way, is that? A trollop without a license to troll? Also, you put quotes around "porn queen" as if you're quoting it from another source. What source? To my knowledge, no one has ever called me a "porn queen" except you.)

Dr. Schlessinger, I didn't call you an "evil scientist;" Mr. Lowery did. Why are you calling me such nasty names? I didn't say you "bash and belittle women," though I now have the dubious honor of being bashed and belittled by you. Why? I'd expect someone with all your degrees and awards and talk about ethics to be a bit more responsible, less rude and crude. Your so-called "principles and values" seem to be at an even lower level of the food chain than New Times. I thought you had more character than that.

In closing, colleague to colleague, here's a little "pseudo-professional" but thoughtful advice: Next time you wish to make the point that you are not a basher and belittler of women, don't bash and belittle a woman in the same paragraph.

Sincerely,
Susan M. Block, Ph.D.

P.S. If you'd ever like to apologize for what may have been just a hasty, thoughtless remark made due to your sheer "stupefaction" at being insulted so hurtfully by New Times, my mailing address, phone, fax and internet address are below. If you are sincere, you will be forgiven. Mr. Lowery has already apologized to me, and I forgave him.

Wherein I Unleash the Block Curse
Upon Dr. Laura,
And the Havoc-Wreaking Begins
 

Al Goldstein

Well, Dr. Laura hasn't apologized to me (is anyone surprised?), so tonight, on the air, I did it. I unleashed the Block Curse upon her. The Block Curse is not as mighty as its illustrious predecessor, the Goldstein Curse (created by none other than my great and powerful--and large and corpulent--friend Al Goldstein), but its pretty effective. As you know, Dear Diary, it's worked before. Tonight I told my listeners the whole story, beginning with the article in New Times and erupting into the unprovoked "bashing" by Dr. Laura. Since I figured that Dr. Laura would be listening or someone would send her a tape of the show, I addressed her personally:

Apologize to me, Dr. Laura, High Priestess of the Cheap Shot! Apologize to me and to all the innocent women you have bashed and belittled, or the Block Curse will wreak havoc upon your wretched, oppressive, sexless existence!
 

Wherein I Surpass
Cardinal Mahoney and The LA Times,
And Dr. Laura Gets Whacked--
Again!--by Our Boy Steve

The Block Curse continues to work its dark magic. Maybe I really did hypnotize Steve Lowery. He just wrote another full-page article for New Times, "Oh, Doctors!" all about the cross-media morality battle between Dr. Laura and me. Lowery writes that the original "article about Block garnered more response than anything I've written so far, & I've taken to task the cardinal of Los Angeles & the LA Times."

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I mean, who cares about the LA Times & Cardinal Mahoney? Times, shmimes. Mahoney, baloney. People care about sex. People care about being lied to by smarmy hypocrites. People care about learning the truth about their sexuality. That's why people care about me. And that's why Lowery's article on me got so many responses, including that furious letter from Dr. Laura.
 

This is my Susan-On-Top position.  Drawing by Buddy Hickerson

Dr. Laura was upset about being accused of "bashing & belittling women," especially in the context of an article about a "pseudo- pro- fessional ‘porn queen'." I believe she's referring to me, but I still can't figure out what a "pseudo-professional porn queen" is. A hooker who didn't go to hooking school? Dr. Laura didn't know what it meant when she wrote it. She was just so furious, so frustrated, so "stupefied" by Lowery calling her an "evil scientist" and a "basher and belittler of women" that she had to bash and belittle someone, preferably a woman, and I was the most convenient victim.

But I won't be anyone's victim, certainly not Dr. Laura's. So I wrote her that nice polite note, giving her some advice, colleague to colleague: "Next time you wish to make the point that you are not a basher and belittler of women, don't bash & belittle a woman in the same paragraph," and I gave her a chance to apologize.

I mean, I know she's pretty obsessed with woman-bashing; it's kind of a kinky moral crusade for her. I usually try to give people a certain amount of rope when it comes to their kinky obsessions, but hers are out of control and dangerous. As a public figure and a preacher of "principles and values," I think she should keep her dangerous obsessions under control.

Lowery backs me up on this; even though he does like to wag his sex-phobic finger at me for masturbating on my bed under my Yale pennant on HBO (Get a sense of humor, Steve, you pitiful fool!). But I must say, in "Oh, Doctors!", he spends a lot more space denouncing Dr. Laura for "berating and cutting off callers, all with a holier than thou attitude ...teeing off on the weakest of the weak." Gosh, I love it when I can get spineless, guilt-ridden journalists to help me fight my battles. It's Expose Dr. Laura Time...

As you know, Dear Diary, I've been down this road before. I already ran Dr. Toni Grant off the road and out of town, and I've skewered Dr. Barbara DeAngelus. Now I've put the Block Curse on the Queen of Moralizing Mean, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, High Priestess of the Cheap Shot.

Laura darlin, all I can say is: you picked the wrong woman to bash. I didn't deserve a public flogging from you, and you know it. Maybe you're hurt by what Steve Lowery wrote about you, maybe you're damaged by what your mother or father did or didn't do to you. But don't dump your unresolved anxieties on me. I'm not Steve Lowery! I'm not the sister who stole your dolls! And I'm not the mother who locked you in the closet!

I won't be another one of your media victims, Laura. I'm not going to take it, and I'm not going to let you forget it! You're into martial arts, Laura, you've got a black belt in something. Well, I'm into verbal martial arts. I don't want to get physical with you, Laura, but when you come at me, attacking me like this, calling me stupid nasty names for no reason, well, just like a T'ai Kwan Do master, just like Sun Tzu teaches in The Art of War, I'll take the power of your nasty name-calling and throw it right back at you....

And Laura, I'm still waiting for that apology--to me and to all the innocent women you bash to bring up your ratings. And until I get it, I ain't letting up on you, babe. So wake up, and smell the sex......
 

Wherein Dr. Laura is Exposed
to be a Hypocrite,
a Scourge Upon the Earth and
a Lousy Daughter

Slowly but surely, the Block Curse is taking hold. We're getting lots of calls and e-mails here in support of my response to Dr. Laura's attack. I never realized how many people she had hurt and angered so deeply out there, how many women she had "bashed and belittled" in her lust for power and revenge...against what? A rotten childhood? A sexless adulthood? Or does she just do it for the ratings?

Even Mom has gotten involved. The other day, she sent me a pretty devastating expose about Dr. Laura that was in the Philadelphia Inquirer. It was critical of her in many ways, but the part about her family was most interesting. It's funny; I kind of guessed that Dr. Laura might have been taking out her unresolved frustrations with her mother on me. So I wasn't surprised to read that this woman who is supposed to be the High Priestess of Family Values doesn't speak to her mother. Or her sister. Hasn't spoken to them in years. And won't tell anyone in the media why! How hypocritical can you get?! Mom and I had a good laugh over that.

Since I have such a precious, wonderful, close relationship with my Mom, I almost felt sorry for Dr. Laura for missing out on that. Almost, but not quite. How can I feel sorry for the Queen of Moralizing Mean?
 

continue to

Wherein Dr. Laura Collapses
into a Puddle of Self-Pity,
Cut Down by the Sword of
Her Own Hubris
and the Strong, Quirky Power
of the Block Curse